A YIDDISH HAMLET Read online

  (Kloot and Goldwater are astounded by his impudence.)

  GOLDWATER

  (recovering)

  What rights? I paid you twenty dollars and that was too much.

  PINCHAS

  Twenty dollars? For the masterpiece of the 20th century?

  KLOOT

  In the twenty-first century you shall have twenty-five dollars.

  PINCHAS

  (superbly)

  Make mock as you please. I shall be living in the fifty-first century even. Poets never die although, alas, they have to live. Twenty dollars too much indeed! It is not a dollar a century for the run of the play.

  GOLDWATER

  (pacing a bit, then grimly)

  Very well. Give those twenty dollars back. We return your play.

  PINCHAS

  (confused)

  No, no, Goldwater . . . I must not disappoint my printer. I have promised him twenty dollars to print my Hebrew "Selections from Nietzsche."

  GOLDWATER

  (implacably)

  You take your manuscript and give me my money.

  PINCHAS

  (desperately)

  Exchange would be a robbing. I will not rob you. Keep your bargain. See. Here's the printer's letter.

  (Pinchas rummages excitedly in his pockets and drags forth letters and manuscripts from his overcoat. Goldwater waives a repudiating hand.)

  PINCHAS

  Be not a fool, man. Goldwater, I and you are the only two people in New York who serve the poetic drama. I, by writing, you by producing.

  (Goldwater still shakes his head, but less vigorously. The flattery is appeasing him.)

  KLOOT

  Your manuscript will be returned to you by the next garbage truck.

  PINCHAS

  (disregarding Kloot)

  I have faith in you, Goldwater. I am willing you shall have only a fortnight's rehearsals.

  (trying harder)

  I have always said the only genius of the Yiddish stage is Goldwater. Klosterman-bah! He's not a bad producer, but act? My grandmother's hen has a better stage presence. And there is Davidoff-a voice like a frog and a walk like a spider. And these charlatans I only heard of when I came to New York. But you, Goldwater-your fame has blown across the Atlantic. I journeyed from Poland expressly to collaborate with you.

  GOLDWATER

  (mollified)

  Then why do you spoil it all?

  PINCHAS

  It is my anxiety that Europe shall not be disappointed in you. Let us talk of the cast.

  GOLDWATER

  It's too early yet.

  PINCHAS

  The early bird catches the worm.

  KLOOT

  But all our worms are caught. We keep them penned up on the premises.

  PINCHAS

  (aghast)

  I know. I know.

  GOLDWATER

  But we don't give all our talent to one play.

  PINCHAS

  (breathing a breath of hope)

  No, of course not.

  GOLDWATER

  We have to use all our people by turns. We divide our forces. With myself as Hamlet, you will have a cast that should satisfy any author, even the bard himself.

  PINCHAS

  (with wonderful hypocrisy)

  Do I not know it? Were you but to say your lines, leaving all the others to be read by the prompter, the audience would be spellbound.

  GOLDWATER

  That being so, you have no right to expect to have my wife in the same cast.

  PINCHAS

  No, indeed. Two such geniuses in the same cast would be beyond all expectation, like the sun and the moon shining together.

  (Pinchas is really getting carried away)

  Besides Ophelia is such a small part. Really she deserves the part of Hamlet to really show her talent.

  GOLDWATER

  Heaven forbid my wife should appear in breeches. She would never so lower herself.

  PINCHAS

  (complacently)

  That is what makes it impossible for her to appear in the play.

  GOLDWATER

  But you lucky man, the impossible has happened. Fanny has decided to sacrifice herself. Two Goldwaters in the cast. Think of it.

  PINCHAS

  Who am I that I should ask her to sacrifice herself?

  KLOOT

  Fanny won't sacrifice Ophelia.

  PINCHAS

  (aside, between his teeth)

  She'll execute her.

  GOLDWATER

  (fortunately not hearing)

  You hear? My wife will not sacrifice Ophelia, by leaving her to a minor player. She thinks only of the play.

  PINCHAS

  (disconcerted, but still trying to be polite)

  It is very noble of her. But she worked so hard lately. She must need a rest, a vacation. It is such a trying part.

  GOLDWATER

  My wife never spares herself.

  PINCHAS

  (losing his head)

  But she might spare Ophelia.

  GOLDWATER

  (gruffly)

  What do you mean? My wife will honor you by playing Ophelia.

  (with a wave of his hand)

  That is ended.

  PINCHAS

  (wildly)

  No, it is not ended. Your wife is a comedienne, not a tragedienne.

  GOLDWATER

  (puzzled)

  You yourself just called her a genius.

  PINCHAS

  For comedy. For comedy, I will allow. But Hamlet is not a comedy. Your wife prances, skips and jumps. Rather would I give Ophelia to a kangaroo or jackrabbit!

  GOLDWATER

  (indignant)

  Swine! Compare my wife to a kangaroo or jackrabbit! Take your filthy manuscript and begone . . .

  KLOOT

  (to himself)

  Well, Fanny would provide an element of comic relief! Hey, that's an idea.

  PINCHAS

  To gratify your wife, you would make her ridiculous and deprive the world of your Hamlet!

  GOLDWATER

  I can get plenty of Hamlets. Any scribbler can translate Shakespeare.

  PINCHAS

  (sublimely)

  Surely. You can get hundreds. But who can surpass Shakespeare? Who can make him intelligible to the modern soul?

  (Goldwater hesitates, thinking perhaps there is something to it. A voice from offstage calls, "Mr. Goldwater, your cue." Goldwater rushes out, glad to escape.)

  PINCHAS

  (pleading)

  You will talk to him, Kloot? You will save Ophelia?

  KLOOT

  (easily)

  Rely on me, if I have to play her myself.

  PINCHAS

  (worriedly)

  But that will be even worse.

  KLOOT

  How do you know? You've never seen me act. I'm a great female impersonator.

  PINCHAS

  (soothing, wheedling)

  You will not spoil my play. You will get me a maidenly Ophelia. I and you are the only two men in New York who understand how to cast a play.

  KLOOT

  You leave it to me. I have a wife of my own.

  PINCHAS

  (alarmed)

  What! Don't you dare.

  KLOOT

  Don't be alarmed. I'll coach her. She's just the age for the part. Mrs. Goldwater could be her mother.

  PINCHAS

  But can she make an audience cry?

  KLOOT

  You bet. A regular onion of an Ophelia.

  PINCHAS

  But I must see her rehearse, then I decide.

  KLOOT

  Of course.

  PINCHAS

  And you will seek me in the cafe when rehearsals begin?

  KLOOT

  That goes without saying. How can we rehearse without you? You shouldn't have worried the boss. We'll call you even if it's the middle of the night.

  (Pinchas jumps at Kloot and kisses h
im on both cheeks.)

  PINCHAS

  Protector of Poets!

  (releasing him)

  And you will see that they do not mutilate my play? You will not suffer a single hair of my poesy to be harmed?

  KLOOT

  Not a hair shall be cut.

  PINCHAS

  Ahhh, I and you are the only two men in New York who know how to treat poetry.

  (hugging Kloot again)

  KLOOT

  You bet.

  (escaping from Pinchas)

  Well goodbye.

  PINCHAS

  (still not convinced)

  And you will see it is not adulterated with American slang? In Zion they don't say 'sure' and 'lend me a nickel.'

  KLOOT

  Didn't I promise? Don't you trust me?

  PINCHAS

  All the same you might lend me a nickel for carfare.

  KLOOT

  I'd be honored.

  PINCHAS

  Goodbye my protector.

  (he goes out)

  KLOOT

  That was a nickel well spent.

  (The door opens again, Pinchas' ungainly head reappearing.)

  PINCHAS

  You promise me all this?

  KLOOT

  (trying to appear hurt)

  Didn't I do it already?

  PINCHAS

  Save a poet from distraction and swear to me.

  KLOOT

  Will you go if I swear?

  PINCHAS

  Yup.

  KLOOT

  And you won't come back again till rehearsals begin?

  PINCHAS

  Nup.

  KLOOT

  Then I swear on my father and mother's life.

  PINCHAS

  (grinning, satisfied at last)

  Thank you! I'm going.

  (he leaves, closing the door behind him)

  KLOOT

  (locks and bolts the door)

  I wonder how he'd feel if he knew I'm an orphan? Sure was a good thing we didn't tell him we plan to add music.

  (Kloot goes out whistling)

  BLACKOUT

  III. THE EAST SIDE CAFE, NIGHT

  It is the evening of Opening Night. Most of the persons present in the first scene are in the cafe, but there is no center of attention. Enter Pinchas tumultuously. Striding up and down, brandishing his cane in one hand and a poster in the other, Pinchas is nearly frothing at the mouth.

  OSTROVSKY

  (reading the poster)

  "Itzek Goldberg proudly presents the Yiddish Hamlet, by the world renowned poet Melchitzedek Pinchas, with music by Ignatz Levitsky, the world famous composer. Starring Itzek Goldberg and the world acclaimed Fanny Goldberg."

  (maliciously)

  What seems to be the matter?

  PINCHAS

  The matter! The matter! World famous composer, indeed. Whoever heard of Ignatz Levitsky? And who wants his music? The tragedy of a thinker needs no caterwauling of violins. Does Goldwater imagine I have written a melodrama? At most I will permit an overture.

  OSTROVSKY

  Whoever heard of Melchitzedek Pinchas? World famous author. That's rich.

  PINCHAS

  (not hearing him)

  The dogs. The liars.

  WITBERG

  (trying to placate him)

  Perhaps a little well placed music would not hurt.

  PINCHAS

  They won't even let me attend rehearsals. Who can tell how they have mangled it? Such ghouls.

  TUCH

  After all, Goldberg knows his business.

  VON MIESES

  You shouldn't have tried to replace Fanny. Goldberg is very proud of his wife's talent.

  PINCHAS

  He has reason. She has so little, every bit is precious.

  OSTROVSKY

  (rubbing it in)

  Where are our tickets? You promised us all box seats.

  PINCHAS

  They didn't send me any. Liars. Murderers. Slayers of poets. They fear I fire Ophelia.

  OSTROVSKY

  (relishing his rival's predicament, especially as he has suffered the same fate himself)

  Surely you are going to attend?

  PINCHAS

  (dejected)

  The box office is sold out.

  OSTROVSKY

  Well, that's a good sign.

  PINCHAS

  I don't believe them. It's a conspiracy to keep me out. But they won't succeed.

  TUCH

  What will you do?

  PINCHAS

  (raving)

  I'll do something if I have to fire the theatre.

  OSTROVSKY

  Why don't you call Goldwater on the phone?

  PINCHAS

  That's an excellent idea. Will I give him a piece of my mind. Witberg, a dime.

  (Taking a dime from Witberg, he strides to the phone, followed by

  the whole cafe, eager to hear some precious witticisms.)

  OSTROVSKY

  Be sure to disguise your voice.

  (Pinchas dials and waits.)

  TUCH

  This will go down in history.

  MIESES It may not be a good idea.

  PINCHAS

  (in a high pitched voice)

  This is George Bernard Shaw, you Goldwater? May I speak to Goldwater, tell him the critic Bernard Shaw wants to congratulate him.

  (to the crowd)

  Goldwater's too dumb to know that Shaw doesn't speak Yiddish.

  (in a high pitched voice)

  Hello, Mr. Goldwater, is that you? It is.

  (changing back to his natural voice)

  Pigs! Pigs! Pigs! You and Kloot. I have cast my pearls before swine. May a sudden death smite you. May the curtain fall on you, you gibbering epileptic baboon. What do you mean you can't hear? Speak plainer? I will speak plainer, swineherd! Never again shall a work of mine defile itself in your dirty dollar factory. I spit on you. Phutt . . .

  (spitting into the receiver)

  Your father was a Meshummad and your mother . . . Don't hang up, I'm not finished. . . . And your mother, an Irish fish wife.

  (turning from the phone)

  He hung up. Coward. I had a lot more to say. That was worth ten cents.

  (He hangs up the phone and walks to a table with great satisfaction.)

  OSTROVSKY

  I'll say this for him. He's got shtick. The happiest day in my life would be to say half of what he just said to Goldwater.

  (Enter Heathen Journalist.)

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Congratulations Pin'cuss. Your play's a great success.

  PINCHAS

  Ehh?

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  I had to leave early; got a deadline to meet. Nearly eleven and only two acts finished. You'll have to brisk 'em up a bit.

  PINCHAS

  If I get my hands on Goldwater, I'll brisk him up. Never fear.

  (uneasily)

  How was the play?

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Well, it's not quite what I expected from listening to you, or reading Shakespeare. All that cabaret music and those funny lines.

  PINCHAS

  Cabaret music! Funny lines! There wasn't a funny line in the whole play.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  There is now. Mrs. Goldwater is stealing the show, she's a howling success.

  PINCHAS

  (ready to weep)

  Howling success. I'll kill them. All of them.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Well, got to go. Congrats.

  (The Heathen Journalist starts for the door, but suddenly Pinchas gives chase.)

  PINCHAS

  Still got your theatre ticket?

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  What for?

  PINCHAS

  Give it to me. With that I can get in.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Sure, take it.

  (He gives the ticket to Pinchas who rushes out, yelling, "Now
, Goldwater".)

  OSTROVSKY

  (to the Journalist)

  You may just have become an accessory to murder.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Hey, would that make a headline. 'Poet slays leading man.' I better go and see.

  (he rushes out after Pinchas)

  OSTROVSKY

  What about your deadline?

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  It can wait.

  (They all stare after Pinchas and the Journalist.)

  BLACKOUT

  IV. GOLDWATER'S JEWISH THEATRE, DAY

  We are at a slightly different perspective. We can see the stage in the background, looking from the wings. Hamlet is with his Mother.

  QUEEN

  "I made you some nice food. You should eat something. You never eat, that's why you have these morbid ideas."

  HAMLET

  "I must meet this spectre on the ramparts."

  QUEEN

  "You should look out for the ghost. I don't want you getting hurt. Besides it's very damp tonight. If you must go, you should wear your galoshes."

  (Hamlet/Goldwater exits to where Kloot is standing in the wings, observing.)

  QUEEN

  "That kid never listened to his mother. Never."

  (Loud applause, whistles, etc.)

  GOLDWATER

  They're loving it Kloot. They're swallowing it like ice cream soda.

  (The Hamlet play continues in mime. We cannot hear what they are saying but the audience in Goldwater's theatre can, and they titter, roar, and laugh. Ophelia enters, a buxom, comical woman and pirouettes to applause. She carries a Palm Branch and shakes it to every point in the compass. Thunderous applause.)

  GOLDWATER

  This Pinchas is a genius after all.

  KLOOT

  We got our money's worth.

  GOLDWATER

  Next I'm going to commission Pinchas to adapt MacBeth. Don't you think Fanny would make a fantastic Lady MacBeth?

  KLOOT

  I see her more as Desdemona.

  GOLDWATER

  A genius. That's what you are. A genius.

  KLOOT

  (modestly)

  I know it.

  (Pinchas is seen stealthily approaching along the wall.)

  KLOOT

  That's your cue.

  (Goldwater returns to greet the ghost, a figure in a white sheet that cakewalks across the stage. Pinchas tries to bound onto the stage shouting "Villains" but Kloot has seen him and collars him in an iron grip.)

  KLOOT

  (unruffled)