A YIDDISH HAMLET Read online

  A YIDDISH HAMLET

  Израэль Зангвилл

  Adapted from a story by Israel Zangwill. A YIDDISH HAMLET

  This Etext is for private use only. No republication for profit in print or other media may be made without the express consent of the Copyright Holder. The Copyright Holder is especially concerned about performance rights in any media on stage, cinema, or television, or audio or any other media, including readings for which an entrance fee or the like is charge. Permissions should be addressed to: Frank Morlock, 6006 Greenbelt Rd, #312, Greenbelt, MD 20770, USA or [email protected]. Other works by this author may be found at http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130

  A Play by F. J. Morlock C 1982

  Etext by Dagny

  CHARACTERS M. PINCHAS - A Yiddish poet OSTROVSKY - A Yiddish playwright SCHNEEMAN - His toady TUCH WITBERG - A violinist VON MIESES - Another poet, also Horatio HEATHEN JOURNALIST - Also Polonius GRUNBITZ GOLDWATER - An actor manager, also Hamlet KLOOT - his factotum CHARACTERS IN THE HAMLET PLAY THE QUEEN OPHELIA - Mrs. Goldwater

  I. AN EAST SIDE CAFE AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY, DAY.

  The customers are almost exclusively Jewish except for the HEATHEN JOURNALIST. Many are dressed in traditional costumes, with black hats, black clothes and long beards. GRUNBITZ, TUCH and the Heathen Journalist are seated at a large table, awaiting the arrival of Pinchas. SCHNEEMAN and OSTROVSKY sit nearby at another table.

  SCHNEEMAN

  He's coming, this seven-day wonder.

  OSTROVSKY (bitterly)

  They do nothing but talk about this fool poet from Warsaw. They forget Ostrovsky overnight. Fifty-three plays I've written, fifty-three.

  SCHNEEMAN

  They'll forget him overnight too. This "Yiddish Hamlet" is sure to flop.

  OSTROVSKY

  Who knows? The public is fickle.

  (PINCHAS enters escorted by WITBERG and VON MIESES, who lead him very deferentially to the table at which the Heathen Journalist, Tuch and Grunbitz are waiting. Pinchas is greeted and congratulated by all and begins to hold forth.)

  PINCHAS

  It is the greatest play of the generation. (complacently) It will be translated into every tongue.

  OSTROVSKY

  Will you listen to that conceited ass. Wait till Goldwater gets through rewriting it.

  SCHNEEMAN

  I can't wait to see Goldwater squeeze his fat carcass into a pair of tights to play "Hamlet".

  PINCHAS

  I, Melchitzedek Pinchas will soon be world famous. See, my initials M. P. make Master Playwright.

  OSTROVSKY (to Schneeman)

  Also Mud Pusher. Who is this uncombed bunco artist?

  SCHNEEMAN

  He calls himself the sweet singer of Israel.

  TUCH (to Pinchas)

  But look here Pinchas. You said the other day your initials made Messianic Poet.

  PINCHAS

  And don't they? You call yourself a ward boss, a political leader and statesman and you don't know your ABC's.

  (There is a roar of laughter at this sally.)

  TUCH (nettled)

  They can't stand for everything.

  PINCHAS

  No, they can't stand for mad politician. (another burst of laughter) But, as there are many meanings in every letter of the Torah, so there are meanings innumerable in every letter of my name. (ingenuously) If I am a playwright as well as a poet, was not Shakespeare also?

  TUCH (sarcastic but not ill natured)

  You wouldn't class yourself with that low down barnstormer?

  PINCHAS (modestly)

  My superiority to Shakespeare I leave to others to discover. I discovered it for myself in writing this very play, but I cannot expect the world to admit it until the play is produced.

  WITBERG (innocently)

  How did you come to find it out yourself?

  PINCHAS

  It happened quite naturally. You see when Goldwater was touring with his Yiddish troupe through London, he had the idea of acquainting the Jewish masses with Hamlet, and he asked me to make the Yiddish translation, as one great poet translating another. Well I started the job and then of course the discovery was inevitable.

  TUCH (drily)

  Doubtless.

  PINCHAS (munching on some food which he brandishes from time to time)

  The play which I had not read since my youth appeared unspeakably childish in places. (brandishing) Take for example the ghost. (munches, then slightly annoyed) This bagel is as stale as a sermon. Command me a cream tart, Witberg. (Witberg goes to a waiter) (resuming) What was I saying?

  TUCH

  The ghost-

  PINCHAS

  As yes . . . now, how can a ghost impress a modern audience which no longer believes in ghosts?

  TUCH

  That is true.

  PINCHAS (sensing approbation, waives his index finger them presses it on the side of his nose)

  I translated Shakespeare, yes. But into modern terms. The ghost vanished. Hamlet's tragedy remained only the incapacity of the thinker for the base activity of action.

  OSTROVSKY

  The higher activity, you mean.

  TUCH

  Thought has no value until it is translated into action.

  SCHNEEMAN

  Exactly, you've got to work it up.

  PINCHAS

  Schtuss! Acts are but the soldiers. Thought is the general.

  WITBERG (having returned with a cream tart)

  It is not much use thinking about playing the violin, Pinchas.

  PINCHAS

  You performers are all alike. Every tune you play, every word in the mouth of an actor, was put there by someone else. (waving his arms) Yet you think you are indispensable!

  WITBERG

  Well, someone has to perform it, in order to test your ideas.

  PINCHAS

  No doubt the leading man who plays my Hamlet will think he is more important than the playwright. Woe be to the mummer that dares tamper with a single syllable.

  OSTROVSKY

  Your Hamlet! Since when?

  PINCHAS

  Since I recreated him for the modern world without tinsel and pasteboard; since I conceived him in fire and bore him in agony; since . . . (biting into his cream tart and making a face) even this cream tart is sour!-since I carried him to and fro in my pocket as a young kangaroo in the pouch of its mother.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Why didn't Iselmann produce it in London?

  PINCHAS

  Because of the ghost. (disgusted) I have changed Iselmann's name to Eselmann, the donkey man. I had hardly read him ten lines before he brayed out, "Where is the ghost?" I said, "I have laid him. He cannot walk on the modern stage." Eselmann tore his hair. "But it is for the ghost that I was interested. Yiddish audiences love a ghost." "They love your acting too," I replied. He failed to comprehend the withering irony of that retort. Oh, I gave that donkey man a piece of my mind.

  GRUNBITZ (jesting)

  But he didn't take a piece.

  PINCHAS

  As if a great poet were to consider the tastes of the mob. Bah! These managers are all men of the earth. Crass materialists. (rising)

  Once, in my days of obscurity, I was made to put a bosom into a play, and it swept all my genius off the boards. But I am glad Eselmann gave me my Hamlet back, for before giving it to Goldwater, I made it even more subtle. No vulgar nonsense of fencing and poison at the end . . . a pure mental tragedy, for in life it is the soul alone that counts. My play is the eternal tragedy of the thinker. (turning to Witberg) Another bagel.

  (Witberg goes in search of a waiter.)

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  Strikes me, Pin'cuss, you're givi
ng us Hamlet without the Prince of Denmark.

  PINCHAS

  Better than the Prince of Denmark without Hamlet as he is usually played. In my version the Prince of Denmark indeed vanishes, for Hamlet is a Jew and the Prince of Palestine.

  (General consternation in the cafe.)

  VON MIESES

  You have made him a Jew?

  PINCHAS

  If he is to be the ideal thinker, let him belong to a nation of thinkers. In fact, (confidentially) the play is virtually an autobiography.

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  You still call it Hamlet?

  PINCHAS

  Why not? True, it is virtually a new work and vastly superior to the original. But Shakespeare borrowed his story from an older play and treated it to suit himself, why therefore should I not treat Shakespeare as it suits me?

  HEATHEN JOURNALIST

  But wouldn't it be better to modify the title so people don't get confused?

  PINCHAS

  If I were to call it by another name, some learned fool would pretend it was stolen from Shakespeare; this way it challenges comparison.

  TUCH (drily)

  And Shakespeare suffers.

  PINCHAS (placidly)

  Only as a medieval alchemist or astrologer suffers in comparison with a modern chemist or astronomer. The muddle-headedness of Shakespeare . . . which incidentally is the cause of the muddle in Hamlet's character . . . has given way to the clear vision of the modern. How could Shakespeare describe a thinker? The Elizabethans could not think. They were like our politicians.

  GRUNBITZ

  Why should you expect thought from a politician? (Tuch looks angry) That's like expecting money from an economist. Besides only youth thinks.

  PINCHAS

  That is well said. He who is ever thinking never grows old. I shall die young like all those whom the gods love. Waiter, give Mr. Grunbitz a cup of chocolate and a cream tart.

  GRUNBITZ

  Thank you . . . no.

  PINCHAS

  You cannot refuse. You will pain Witberg who is paying.

  VON MIESES (embarrassed)

  I wonder if you could look at these poems.

  PINCHAS (graciously)

  I'll be glad to give you my opinion, but I warn you I am a severe critic.

  OSTROVSKY (to Schneeman)

  Ohh! He's a critic too.

  SCHNEEMAN (to Ostrovsky)

  What a pompous ass.

  OSTROVSKY

  Do you suppose he has any talent at all?

  SCHNEEMAN

  He's a Yiddish Bernard Shaw, no doubt. (laughing) Wait till Goldwater gets through with him.

  PINCHAS (who has been perusing Mieses' poems joyfully)

  But it is full of genius! I might have written it myself. The third stanza is a masterpiece.

  VON MIESES

  Perhaps I, too, shall write a play one day. My initial 'M' makes master too.

  PINCHAS (graciously)

  It may be that you are destined to wear my mantle.

  (Mieses looks uneasily at Pinchas' ill-fitting and ragged cloak.)

  PINCHAS

  And now Mieses, you must give me carfare. I have to go and talk to Goldwater about rehearsals. That pumpkin-head of an actor manager is capable of any crime. Even altering my best lines.

  OSTROVSKY (maliciously)

  I suppose Goldwater plays Hamlet.

  PINCHAS (airily)

  We have not discussed it yet.

  OSTROVSKY

  He'll be all right. So long as Fanny Goldwater doesn't play Ophelia.

  PINCHAS

  Mrs. Goldwater play Ophelia? She wouldn't dare! Don't dream of such a thing. She belongs in vaudeville.

  OSTROVSKY

  All right. Don't say I didn't warn you.

  PINCHAS (shaken)

  You don't think there is really a danger?

  OSTROVSKY

  He usually gives her the best female role.

  PINCHAS (venomously)

  I'll drown her before I let her play my Ophelia.

  OSTROVSKY (coolly)

  Well, it's up to you.

  PINCHAS (shaking his fist)

  The minx. But I'll manage her. If worse comes to worst. I'll make love to her.

  (The cafe erupts in laughter at this threat.)

  TUCH

  And when is the grand event? When will it open?

  PINCHAS

  After Passover. (buttoning his coat) I'd better get going before he casts her as Ophelia. (sarcastically) I don't want her to be disappointed.

  OSTROVSKY

  Has Goldwater given you a contract?

  PINCHAS (with great dignity and disdain)

  I am a poet, not a lawyer. Parchments are for merchants; honest men build on the word.

  OSTROVSKY

  It comes to the same thing. These managers can slip out of any contract. Still I prefer to force them to use their imagination by getting it in writing. When I'm not writing plays, I'm busy writing contracts. It prevents writer's block. (with great deliberation) I will come to your opening night.

  PINCHAS

  It will be a tribute which the audience will appreciate. Wait till you see my play. You must all come. I will send you all boxes. Then you will learn that thought is greater than action. Thought is the greatest thing in the world!

  (Pinchas and Witberg leave. Ostrovsky puffs his cigar, then he rises and goes to a phone.)

  OSTROVSKY

  Is that you Goldwater? Yes, I'm fine. No, it's not about the money you owe me. Purely artistic. I wanted to tell you that I look forward to seeing you as Hamlet and your missus as Ophelia.

  (pause)

  Hadn't thought of her as Ophelia? Goldwater you must be losing all your artistic sense.

  (pause)

  Of course, she'll be perfect. By the way, that wild man who wrote the play is on his way over there to see you. Better dodge him. After all you shouldn't let the author ruin the play-

  (facing the audience)

  -when you can do it yourself.

  (pause)

  By the way now you mention the money . . .

  (he looks at the receiver which has gone dead)

  I should have known it. . . .

  (Ostrovsky hangs up, smiles, puffs his cigar and resumes his seat contentedly. He looks at a newspaper.)

  BLACKOUT

  II. DRESSING ROOM OF GOLDWATER'S YIDDISH THEATER, DAY

  Goldwater is applying his makeup; KLOOT, his brash young assistant is sitting on the table. There are sounds of a scuffle outside.

  PINCHAS

  (forcing his way in)

  Not thus. Not thus shall you treat my Hamlet. Every syllable must be engraved upon the actors' hearts, or God forbid the curtain to go up. Not that it matters, with the foolish play you are now butchering; it is ink vomit, not literature.

  (Goldwater is ignoring him and angrily changing his trousers. Kloot remains impassive.)

  GOLDWATER

  Son of a witch! You come and disturb all my house. What do you want?

  PINCHAS

  I want to talk to you about rehearsals.

  GOLDWATER

  (placatingly)

  I told you I would let you know when rehearsals begin.

  PINCHAS

  But you forgot to take my address.

  GOLDWATER

  As if I don't know where to find you!

  KLOOT

  Pinchas gets drinks from the whole cafe.

  PINCHAS

  They drink to the health of Hamlet.

  GOLDWATER

  All right, Kloot get his address. Good evening.

  PINCHAS

  But when will it be? I must know.

  GOLDWATER

  (patiently)

  We can't fix it to a day. There's plenty of money in this play yet.

  PINCHAS

  Money . . . bah! But merit?

  GOLDWATER

  You authors are jealous as the devil.

  PINCHAS


  Me! Jealous of donkeys? In Central Park you see giraffes and tortoises too. Central Park has more talent than this scribbler of yours.

  GOLDWATER

  Ostrovsky wrote it and he's very popular.

  PINCHAS

  Ostrovsky . . . a pygmy talent. He uses all kinds of American slang. His Yiddish is not pure. His locutions odious. Not to mention the fact he can't write.

  KLOOT

  I'll write you about rehearsals.

  PINCHAS

  But I must know weeks ahead. I may go lecturing. The great continent calls for me. In Chicago, in Cincinnati . . .

  GOLDWATER

  Don't trouble yourself. Make your own plans and go. We know how to put on a play. We can do without you.

  PINCHAS

  Do without me? A nice mess you will make of it! I must instruct you how to say every line.

  GOLDWATER

  (astonished)

  You, instruct me?

  PINCHAS

  (realizing that Goldwater is not be trifled with on this point)

  I, I don't mean you personally. I mean the company. I will show them the accent, the gesture. I'm a great stage manager as well as a great poet. The 'M' in my name makes manager. There shall be no more prompter.

  GOLDWATER

  Indeed. And how are you going to get on without a prompter?

  PINCHAS

  Very simple. A month's rehearsal.

  GOLDWATER

  (drily)

  We usually get by with a week's rehearsal.

  KLOOT

  (ironically)

  It is very good of you to give us a month of your valuable time.

  GOLDWATER

  (irate)

  A month! I could put on six melodramas in a month.

  PINCHAS

  (shocked)

  But Hamlet is not a melodrama.

  GOLDWATER

  (imperturbably)

  Quite so. That's why it's so easy. There is not half the scenery. It's the scenery that takes time rehearsing, not the dialogue.

  PINCHAS

  (enraged)

  You would profane my divine work by gabbling through it with your pack of geese parroting the prompter!

  KLOOT

  You just come down a peg or two. You do the writing, we do the rest.

  PINCHAS

  (imperiously)

  Silence, impudent face! You are not talking to Ostrovsky. I am a poet and I demand my rights.